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Colbert: GOP Cleared Trump of Russian Collusion Because ‘They Did Not Want to Get Sprayed With a Nerve Agent’ (Video)

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

It’s gotta be tough for late night show writing staffs to keep coming up with new jokes about people in the White House being fired or quitting, but somehow they keep pulling it off. And Stephen Colbert had a pretty solid one to kick off his “Late Show” monologue on Tuesday after three such people were fired, including Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.

“I’m your host, Stephen Colbert — the one person Donald Trump hasn’t fired… yet,” Colbert joked.

Colbert’s Tuesday monologue was heavy on Tillerson’s firing apparently being announced when Donald Trump revealed his replacement in a tweet Tuesday morning, after which he got in a great joke about Russian collusion that we’ll circle back to in a moment (hint: its the thing quoted in the headline of this story).

Trump’s tweet announced that CIA director Mike Pompeo would be Trump’s new nominee for secretary of state, with Gina Haspel his pick to take over the Agency. And it concluded with an enthusiastic “congratulations to all!”

“Wait, congratulations to all? Congratulations to all? ‘Congratulations, Rex. you’ve won an all-expense-paid trip to beautiful Get The F— Out Of Here. And as a parting gift, we got you this beautiful door, which we hope does not hit you on the ass,’” Colbert joked. “It’s too bad twitter wasn’t around when Trump ended his first two marriages. Back then, he had to do it by fax. Slightly colder. And what could be worse than learning you got fired from your boss’s tweet? Oh, maybe seeing that 86,000 people ‘liked’ it.”

Then Colbert went in on one of the other hilarious Trump firings on Tuesday that followed Tillerson.

“Now, the White House says they didn’t fire him on twitter. They say that they called Tillerson last Friday and told him this was going to happen. But today, state department spokesman and last living Jerry Lewis character Steve Goldstein said the secretary had every intention of staying, and that the secretary did not speak to the president and is unaware of the reason for his firing,” Colbert said before getting to the good part. “So when the White House heard this from the official state department spokesman, they reviewed their process, realized the degrading way they fired Rex Tillerson, and they apologized.”

“I’m just kidding,” Colbert continued. “They fired Goldstein. ‘Some guy said I impulsively fire people without warning? Fire that guy.’”

The real reason for Tillerson’s firing remains unclear, but the common joke Tuesday night was it had something to do with Tillerson’s comment on Monday about how there would need to be a “response” to a former Russian spy being poisoned with a Russian nerve agent in the UK. And Colbert had a joke of his own for this, tying it back to the GOP members of the House Intelligence Committee deciding to abandon their investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election.

“Last night, republicans on the House Intelligence Committee announced they were ending their investigation into Russian election meddling and concluded that Russian president Vladimir Putin was not trying to help Donald Trump win the 2016 election,” Colbert said, setting up the punchline. “After a year-long investigation, they have examined all the evidence and have concluded they did not want to get sprayed with a nerve agent. That’s what they said. I think I quoted them. I think that’s a quote.”

You can watch Colbert’s Tuesday “Late Show” monologue in the video embedded at the top of this post.

Related stories from TheWrap:

‘Daily Show’ Host Trevor Noah: Trump’s White House Casualty Numbers Reaching ‘Saving Private Ryan’ Levels (Video)

Seth Meyers: Trump Fired Tillerson Via Tweet Because He’s Scared of People Over Six Feet Tall (Video)

Jimmy Kimmel Wants to Talk About ‘President Trump’s New Netflix Comedy Special That Came Out On Saturday’ (Video)

Seth Meyers Tears Into Trump for ‘Rambling Nonsensically’ at Pennsylvania Rally (Video)

Source: the wrap feed